Most times we hold on so tightly to our personal ideas of life and to what it is we believe we want in a spouse, that we make ourselves perpetually alone. I once went to a lake with my mum and another family. This happened years ago. It got to a point during the outing, when we had to board a canoe, and go for a ride on the lake. I didn’t get into the canoe, I believed the canoe will capsize and we’ll be eaten by crocodiles. Funny right? Kids!

Anyway, at that point, the other family’s kids were in the boat, and I was standing there, by the lake, watching them paddle away, I felt so lonely. I wasn’t feeling so lonely because I was alone, I was feeling lonely because my beliefs had locked me out of the reality of those around me. At one time or the other, some of us reading this have felt so alone in the midst of a crowd, for the simple reason that they were all at that very moment living in a reality that our current state of mind at that time barred us from entering. 

A lot of us are in marriages and relationships, yet we feel lonely. This is not always the case, but there are situations, where the reason for this loneliness is nothing, but the fact that we are holding unto certain expectations of our partner, expecting them to fit into what we picture to be a real man, or a real woman. We refuse to accept the person we have, because we’re expecting them to be ‘someone’ we’ve pictured in our mind. Deep down, unknown to us, we accuse our partner of denying us the kind of life we’ve always envisioned, and subconsciously we withdraw ourselves from our partners world.

One fundamental quality that everyone in a relationship must posses is the ability to make ‘healthy compromise’, and this quality works best in a fundamentally neutral ground, where compromise becomes a virtue, not a vice. This is what I mean, if a Christian is in a relationship with another Christian, that’s a fundamentally neutral ground, because they can only compromise on those things that are just personal to them, assuming both are truly converted. This is why scripture warns us not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. As believers, we cannot build healthy relationships with unbelievers without denying our faith at some point, because compromise makes a relationship work.

Here’s my point exactly, if you’re in a relationship, and you feel lonely, you feel you are not getting what you deserve, I’m not saying it’s your fault, I’m just saying it won’t hurt to be doubly sure, perhaps your expectations of your spouse are keeping you locked out of their world. And if it is, take the step to let yourself in, convince yourself to accept them for who they are. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it, teach yourself to love what they love, be excited about their dreams, laugh with them, let yourself loose in their world, and you will marvel at the wonders you’ll discover.

And if you’re still single, my dear you’re not stupid, don’t make this mistake after you’ve read this. Don’t lock yourself out of real love and happiness, just because you’re waiting for a dream, to which your interpretation(what your perfect partner must look like) fits perfectly. No, don’t do that please, dreams come first, then their interpretation. It’s good to have expectations, and have a description of your dream partner, but keep this closer to your heart; sometimes, miracles come in disguises, and dreams need interpretation to unveil their true meanings. Mostly, you’ll dream(find love) first, and then spend the rest of your life interpreting it together.


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